


Enough of Me

by JediDiplomat



Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-04
Updated: 2014-04-04
Packaged: 2018-01-18 02:36:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1411825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JediDiplomat/pseuds/JediDiplomat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Obi-Wan has something he needs to say.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Enough of Me

Disclaimer: Last I checked slavery was illegal in the known  
universe.  
Meaning I don't own them. The song is by Melissa Etheridge.

* * *

{You looked like father  
You felt like mother  
My mind told my heart  
There is no other}

I don't remember my first thought about you. Maybe it was in  
the crèche, maybe later. I do know that I've had you in  
my thoughts in one way or another for most of my life. First  
you were like the others. Someone very tall that we were told  
would answer all our questions. You sometimes came to class and  
looked us over. You paid particular attention to the older  
kids. The ones that were ready to begin a new life. The ones  
that were desperate to be your apprentice.

When I was a small initiate I didn't understand. Not exactly. I  
knew you were there, and I knew that you would take one of the  
students away if they were lucky. I'd seen it enough times with  
other masters. What I didn't understand was why you never took  
a student away. Oh there were all sorts of stories running  
around. Stories of how you'd had to kill your last apprentice.  
Or how your last apprentice had died heroically in battle,  
saving your life and you vowed to never discredit his memory by  
taking another apprentice. It was amazing how many of those  
stories dealt with Xanatos' death.

I knew that I wanted to be your apprentice as soon as I first  
saw you. I don't know if I saw something that no one else did,  
but I wanted to be your apprentice because...well, you're going  
to think it's stupid, but I wanted to be your apprentice so  
that I could take away that sad, haunted look in your eyes.

Don't get me wrong; I wanted to be a Jedi more than life  
itself. But I wanted to be _your_ apprentice to make you  
happy again.

The best day of my life was when you took me as you Padawan.  
Not because of all the hard work it entailed, or even that I  
was going to be a Jedi when it looked like my life was over.  
No, it was the happiest day of my life because it gave me a  
chance to do what I'd been craving since I first saw you  
looking over those initiates. It gave me a chance to get close  
to you and clear all that misery and self-appointed guilt. I  
vowed I would be the perfect apprentice. That I would do  
everything in my power to make you happy again. And that would  
be enough for me.

{And I gave you my soul  
And every ounce of control  
And I gave you my skin  
And my original sin}

What I didn't realize was what that would do to me. I didn't  
realize that you weren't ready to let go of Xanatos; no matter  
how hard I tried. I would complete a kata that Jedi three times  
my age were just starting and all I'd get was a nod. That was  
it. Just a nod, and maybe, just maybe I'd get a "Good job." You  
have no idea how I longed for those simple words. I tried so  
hard. I had to be the best in everything, and it showed. I'm  
not being egotistic here, Master. I was just that good. Further  
along in my combat skills than all the other Padawans and quite  
a few of the Knights. There were very few that would take me on  
in diplomacy either, Master. And all because of you.

I don't know when it happened. When being a Jedi hinged on your  
approval, but it happened. One day I decided that if I couldn't  
erase Xanatos from your mind then I didn't deserve to be a  
Jedi. Oh, how that hurt. Because I just knew that I wasn't good  
enough. I didn't see what everyone else saw. What I saw was a  
pathetic Padawan that couldn't even make his own master proud  
of him.

No one seemed to understand either. If I tried to tell Bant,  
she just scoffed at me. Ok, maybe not scoff, but she wouldn't  
believe me. She'd start telling me how wonderful I was, and how  
I'd probably be the first Padawan in four generations to make  
Knight by the age of 20. She was probably right, Bant usually  
is. I couldn't see it. All I could see was that you were still  
haunted by the man that betrayed you over 20 years ago. Yes  
Master, it's been that long.

{Ain't that enough  
I turned your dreams into lightning  
Ain't that enough  
I held the world back for you  
Ain't that enough  
I love you past the point of dying  
Ain't that enough of me for you}

I don't know what else I could have done. Everything I had was  
yours. You owned me in ways a slaver never could. I craved your  
words, your touch. Everything of me was wrapped up in you. I  
think, no I know, that had you asked me not to breathe, I would  
have done it, or died trying. I would have done anything for  
you. I don't understand why you didn't see it, but you didn't.  
Maybe it was Xanatos; maybe it was my one flare of disobedience  
back on Melida/Daan. Whatever it was, you took it to heart and  
never let me in.

Do you know what that's like, Master? I didn't even know what I  
was doing until Reeft pointed it out. He was the one that told  
me, _told me_ that I was hopelessly in love with you. I  
didn't see it, not that way. Not until he told me, and I  
started seeing it from the outside. The way I mooned over you,  
protected you from the Council or tried at any rate. The way I  
willingly gave up a free night to be with you. My friends  
couldn't understand, but Reeft did. Do you know why he knew?  
Because he'd been through it. Not with his master, but with  
another Padawan. So he knew the signs and he knew what was  
going on. Or at least on the surface he did. He didn't realize  
what was going on anymore than the rest of us did, myself  
included.

He clued me in though. Showed me what I was doing. How much I  
desired you as more than a dutiful Padawan. But I did nothing.  
I didn't know how you felt and I wasn't going to disappoint you  
that way. I remembered overhearing you saying to Master Windu  
that you were so lucky. That you were lucky that I had never  
had the almost ritual first-crush/lust thing for a master that  
all other Padawans seemed to get. I didn't hear Master Windu's  
reply, but I knew that I couldn't disappoint you.

So I waited. Eventually you came to ask more from me. You asked  
me to share my body with you. And I did. It wasn't out of a  
sense of duty though. I already admitted to loving you, my  
Master. But it's more complicated than that, and you never  
noticed. Not one blasted time! Even when I was inside you, you  
didn't let me in. Xanatos still haunted you. I didn't know if  
you'd been lovers before his betrayal, and I wasn't going to  
ask. For the first time, I deluded myself into believing that  
you cared for me. I let myself live in that fantasy.

{Now you leave like father  
Disappointed like mother  
And I know in my heart  
There is no other}

But like all dreams they come crashing down. I felt my world  
come down around my ears in the Council chamber. I knew that I  
wasn't the Padawan you wanted, or particularly cared for  
despite our being lovers. I thought I at least merited a  
heads-up before you cast me aside for your new golden boy.  
Guess not. I was never so angry or hurt in my whole life, and  
believe me I've learned to deal with the hurt. I wanted to  
simply leave the Council room and damn the consequences, but  
you taught me too well. It was duty. I had a duty to be there  
and listen to you argue about this golden child that was so  
fraught with Darkness that he sucked in the light like a black  
hole. But of course you couldn't see that. You could only see  
your pet project. The newest charity case of Master Qui-Gon  
Jinn.

I suppose I should feel more sympathy for the boy. After all,  
we're two of a kind. We were both your charity cases at one  
time or another. Me, when I was 13 and in those caves in  
Bandomeer, the boy now in this chamber in front of all these  
esteemed members of our order. But I can't, and it shames me.  
I'm being petty and according to you I'm above that, but I  
can't help it. I see it in your eyes. The warmth that I have  
tried for over a decade to earn, you show this boy after  
meeting him but a few seconds. And it's not fair.

Oh I know all about life and the Force and how it isn't always  
fair. In fact, it's rarely fair, but in that moment, I was  
never closer to turning to the Dark Side. Maybe if I did that,  
you would finally notice me.

You didn't say a word to me back to Naboo. I don't know which  
was worse. Being ignored and treated as if I was invisible, or  
being treated like dirt. At least with the latter you talked to  
me. I couldn't take it any longer, so on Naboo, in the middle  
of that swamp, I swallowed what was left of my pride and talked  
to you. I outright lied to you, but you didn't see it. As long  
as I was saying what you wanted to hear that was all that  
mattered.

{And I gave you my shame  
And my eternal flame  
And I gave you my need and my seed  
Oh my need}

And then you died. That was the ultimate test of my loyalty, my  
devotion to you and I failed. I wasn't fast enough. I could  
have made it through those gates, but I was rattled from my  
fall. That's no excuse, I know that, but that's all I have. I  
battled the Sith and was almost killed. Mistake number two. I  
should have been better prepared, more focused. But I'd like to  
see any padawan try to focus after watching his master and  
lover skewered by that red and black demon spawn.

I did defeat him, although it wasn't enough. Nothing was  
enough, because it was too late. You just had enough time to  
say a few words. And in that most intimate of moments, did you  
tell me that you loved me? That you were proud of me, and that  
I was the Padawan that you always wanted? No. You talked of the  
boy. That damn child! You asked me to train him, because you  
knew I would never refuse you. I never had in the past, why  
should I start now? You asked me, nay, almost demanded that I  
defy the Council if I had to, to train this boy. The boy that  
everyone else saw was dangerous.

What choice did you leave me? I said yes, I would have agreed  
to mate with a Hutt if it made you shut up and conserve your  
strength. I couldn't lose you; not even after all you put me  
through. I couldn't let you go, because you were my life, my  
soul, and how does someone go on after losing that?

But I will have to try, because you left me. All alone with a  
boy with so much power that he puts Master Yoda to shame. How  
am I supposed to do this? I don't know; I'm not ready, but I  
will have to be, because I gave you my word. And despite the  
way you manipulated me into giving it, I will honor it.


End file.
